The sense I get from this transformation process is, it is a healing of the personality. All the characteristics which make us individuals and
anyone can see in us, such as our unique facial expressions, body postures, hand expressions, emotional displays, etc, over time through unconscious repetition are what crystalize the personality into our body. So I realize now that to heal one's personality, not only are there the perceptual/conceptual steps (which I think are the most difficult because of the identification problem), but then there follows the emotional body step, and finally the physical body step which emcompasses all of the previous.

I enter the void for the third time, and just last week I realized there are three stages one must go through to 'go beyond the ego'. It is interesting that I went through the same mental, emotional and childhood issues in each one - those kernals of survival issues that lay at the bottom.

I am observing very careful all these weeks wondering when the identification with the mind will go. (it's still there and the personality arises quite strong if I wait too long to release healing tension.) I am able to sit in sustained surrender (totally still) at this time while under extreme pain (or not), with my head bent at strange angles for quite some time. Probably the total time is more than two hours per day. I also had the
experience eariler, regarding the breathing stress and fear of being taken over and how I started gulping for air. It truly felt like I was dying, yet it was in fact only fear. I wrestled with this stepp for over a week. At the time I felt I was failing to surrender - later I learned to relax through it and felt the chest expanding thing, and later the expansion went through the neck and on up to the top of the head. When the chest expanded it felt like I was being swallowed.

So I've had the question for over a year: 'What does it mean to surrender?'. Finally I found out, you do it every night when stop thinking and fall asleep. When you sleep then 'your healer' is free to patch up what it can, while your identification with your 'ego takes a rest. So then it seems
quite logical to me that if one has totally healed themselves of personality, then one should never need sleep. (Sleep is to give being access...)
Also because being and healing is always going on, once free of personality, then it seems also logical that one should never have disease, nor should one grow old. While I can't believe these things, they certainly seem plausible on the level of logic.

Now I've learned to allow the 'working kundalini reaction' while I'm conscious, meaning I can put myself into sleep mode and do other things at the same time. It looks to me that the personality won't go until this process is completely done. It looks like this won't happen until the body is perfectly healed of all the physical imperfections that have cause a lopsided skeletal framework. All humans with ego's (i think that's everyone), are unbalanced bodily due to their personal expression. I also don't see that any type of healing 'of the mind' or with any therapy or practise (including yoga), can unwind the twisted cords of tension that the personality has created and stored in the bodies muscles, tendons and skeletal
system from one's mental and emotional expression over the years. Only surrender to the healer within can unwind this mess.
It's a beautiful design, it makes perfect sense.

When I first started this process I felt like a victim and that I was being 'spontaneously moved', that it was out of my control and I was being 'done'. At this point in time, the split dissolves and more I see myself as healing myself. And so it has to be in order to remove the personal programming of one's own brain. Hahaha.

Betsy

March 16, 2006

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